Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
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The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.