My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
You Might Also Like
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.