every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
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My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
What about a To-Don’t List?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
#parenting
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.