It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
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lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Lmbo
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.