just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
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Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows