Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
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I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.