people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
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It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.