sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
You Might Also Like
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday