yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
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Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
3% human
97% stress
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.