[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
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Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
happy valentine’s day to me
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)