If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
You Might Also Like
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Is this you?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones