STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
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Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin