Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.