Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
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My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
🍛
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.