Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
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me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.