My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
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Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
motivation
Twitter is an abusement park.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them