Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
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*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
The only equipped I am is ill.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.