@JennyJohnsonHi5

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

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@filthspiration

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

@DannyZuker

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

@Book_Krazy

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

@TheFirstDudish

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

@RACarter

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

@marcusthetoken

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

@joejwest

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

@Cpin42

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.