“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
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[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
The dark side of Canada
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.