“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
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You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.