“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
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*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
the Monday after daylight savings
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”