You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
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Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”