my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
🖤✌🏽
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
He a real one for that
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”