About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
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I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Good morning.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.