whenever i wake up before my alarm
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[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Only short people can save us
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Had to try this trend 😊
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”