@adamgreattweet

whenever i wake up before my alarm

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@TheTweetOfGod

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

@joeljeffrey

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

@zg_irl

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

@rainsutton

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

@MorganJ7

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

@That_Damn_Duck

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

@gringothespice

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

@FrenulumBreve

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

@TheCatWhisprer

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.