Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
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We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*