—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
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Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving