Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
You Might Also Like
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
crazy
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.