Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
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Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
this is how life feels
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
john wicks are toilet candles
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.