6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
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HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I put the hot in psychotic.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
President The Rock Obama
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
it be like that
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)