no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have