no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
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Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents