no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
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Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Broom by every window for quick escape.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I’m good, thanks.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
New favorite tiktok