Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
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I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.