Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
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What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.