[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
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HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open