My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
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If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
This was a bad idea all around
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to