@kristabellerina

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

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@J_Dazzle76

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

@Gupton68

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

@ElKnuckelhombre

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

@BlindVigil

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

@dorsalstream

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

@MrJeberling

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

@qikipedia

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

@aka_fatman

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.