My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
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WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
When I snag the last meatball.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s