10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
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The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Print is alive and well!!!
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
The Friday File.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
some things should go without saying
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.