I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
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When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames