Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
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Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.