Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
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imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise