You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
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Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.