guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
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To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
you know what ruined my childhood? children
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
who wants to go expliring
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree