who wants to go expliring
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Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I only eat vegetarians.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.