-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
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While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
how to have an accident 101
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I missed you with all my darts
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs