at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
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There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Well well well…
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
these two trucks have the same bed length
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.