i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
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High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
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*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*