i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
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what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume