These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
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I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Need WebMD
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.