The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
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How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.