Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
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just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Have a lovely day 😊
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes