A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
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do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Rt to bother an English speaker
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.