A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
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FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Always 🥴