My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
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THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Breaking news:
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”