Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
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Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Bless you
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.