I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
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[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-