family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
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True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
the three branches of government
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion