[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
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That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
What number SPF blocks people?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Based Erika
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness