my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
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My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board